Dull Boring Man Getting no Upvotes on Hive Comes Up With A Cunning Plan. An Epic Hive Thriller.

in #hive-1641662 months ago

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................................."So this is why I bring my clothes pegs in at night rather than keep them hanging on the line in the elements"... THE END.

It had been a year now and Gordon was still not reaching the $1 upvote per vote on Hive. He had joined every community even OCD which is where he put his Clothes pegs post as he thought there was no Community launched for "Clothes Washing" but alas an angry OCD mod swiftly turned up like a serial killer and told him there was a Clothes peg community on Hive and that if he ever posted on OCD again there would be repercussions in some form or other.
Apart from this Gordon thought his clothes peg post was very interesting and asked people to comment on what they did with their clothes pegs. There were so many choices. Do you bring them in with the clothes. Leave them on the washing line. Leave them in a little basket on the hanging from the washing line. Leave them in a little basket in the house. Were your pegs wood or plastic? There were so many variables in play that Gordon rubbed his knees and waited for the replies to roll in.
As per usual like clockwork the nice people from the Shadowhunters community chimed in and Gordon was delighted as they were all a bit older and more mature and knew that they would like the clothes peg conversations themselves albeit more around the shadows of the clothes pegs. Some peg' shadows against a wall looked like barbed wire in a concentration camp. Mary sent on a photo of her clothes horse which had no pegs on it obviously. She didn't have the garden to have a clothes line.
"Interesting Mary Interesting."
Fat Jim with the gimpy leg made a comment that he leaves them outside, they fall on the grass and he is unable to pick them up so he cuts them up with the lawnmower and has to buy replacement pegs every month.

"Such a waste Fat Jim. Such a bloody waste" Tut Tut. "Bad for the environment having shards of plastic in the garden. Think of how many snack boxes you could get from the money saved from buying clothes pegs."

Gordon was happy though as it was creating a brilliant discussion. Barring the faux pas around the posting in the wrong Community , things were looking up for Gordon. Maybe he will get passed his $1 reward record today.
Dirty Dennis sent in a photo of two pegs on his nipples which was inappropriate. But dirty Dennis's posts did not display over an ongoing downvote feud with a Hive whale. "Thank god for that," thought Gordon. He now had 10 comments.
Gordon went back to his feed and saw Laura the newbie introducing herself. She had long blonde hair and a nice smile and claimed she was a model from Sardinia. Gordon also saw that he had seen swimmers with more clothes on in the photo. Laura had been 3 minutes on Hive and all Gordon could see were boobs, bums and upvotes. Every time he refreshed his page Laura had made $10 more. She was ending up on $160 and 587 comments. And Gordon would not mind but the content was only OK apart from the pictures.
Gordon was no idiot. He knew Laura was hot stuff and there were real meat behind the comments. Even the whales that he hadn't seen around for ages were chiming in saying welcome to Hive. Whales never do that. Couldn't be arsed.
"I know what is going on here", thought Gordon. "Sex sells". A light bulb came into his head right then and there so he got to work immediately. He needed to build up his HP so that he would become a bigger account on the platform. He would then get more interaction with his dull man posts if he had clout behind him. He had no money and the $1 per post at the moment was not cutting the mustard. Something had to change and change it did. After an hour he had unveiled his new alt account

BEHOLD GIORDANA

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Giordana introduced herself as a fun loving, extrovert and he posted a photo of the hottest woman he had ever seen in his life. A Jessica Alba type look. He used a new form of AI to come up with his model girl and off he went. Giordana was born and she wrote her introductory post. Gordon sat back proud and listened to the Discord bubbles start popping. $120 and 687 comments later, Gordon was ecstatic. Like taking candy from a baby he thought. He even made a comment on his own clothes peg post from the Giordana account. She said she takes the pegs in with the clothes which was always going to be the correct technique. Gordon changed account and wrote "That's my girl Giordana". Comments then started to roll in on the original clothes peg post because Giordana was commenting on it. They all said they bring their pegs inside as well. They did in their bollocks thought Gordon. @exterminator never took a peg in in his life I would say. The big horny nerd.

A few weeks later when the rewards rolled in Gordon had a dilemma. If he transferred the funds over then people would notice that there was something amiss. Why would a stunning model be transferring funds to Gordon. Didn't make sense. Do nothing and grow Giordanas account was maybe the best course of action. Weeks and weeks passed by and Giordana wrote many posts about her great social life with a bit of flirtyness in the comment replies for good measure. . Hive was lapping Giodana up and people were for asking her to join Discord , DMing her. Asking her if she was going to attend the Hivefest. Giordana was hot property. Posts were now earning $100 every time and some Giordana had 5000 HP in notime. Giordana was now a dolphin and Gordon spent more time chatting to people as Giordana than himself. . Gordon on the other hand was still on about 560HP getting slightly envious of his own creation. This was strange to Gordon. He really thought Giordana was getting ahead of herself and she was turning in to the type of person who would leave the pegs on the clothesline DURING THE ENTIRE WINTER!!!!!.

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By this stage Giordana was after getting her 20th free Hivefest ticket off some horny beggar but Gordon had no ticket himself. He lived in Europe so he quite fancied the trip to Split Croatia. If only there was a way of using one of Giordana's tickets for himself. Do a Mrs Doubtfire on it. Pretend she popped out or came down with a bug and had to send her grandfather or maybe he could go as her fun Uncle.

Gordon arrived in Split and "rome'd" around as per the theme of the festival. He told some story about how Giordana could not make the Monday and got her ticket pretty easy off one of the Hive lackies. The only problem was that the lanyard he was given said "Giordana" so everybody was coming up asking where she was. When Gordon said everybody he meant males between 16 and 85. When he took the lanyard off people asked him where his lanyard was. It was fast becoming a nightmare. He was also trying to avoid the ladies of Hive to whom he got Giordana to become a member of and they looked over at him which could only be described as a suspicious look. Gordon looked away and gulped. He knew the ladies of Hive's deepest darkest secrets from their Discord group. A ladies only group and he was the cuckoo on the nest. He could tell a stink eye a mile off but maybe he knew it was Samantha's time of month so she was probably stinkeyeing everyone. The ladies of Hive had seen it all before. Over the last few years they had been under siege. Everybody wanted to be a woman these days even though some had a big hairy bollocks on them. It was crazy. Ladies of Hive were fighting for their existence. Men pretending to be women for upvotes. And now Gordon was one of them and they could sniff him out. They knew Giordana was just too perfect looking to be true. They may have even been a touch of jealously there. Giordana had the perfect body while Majella could hear the wind whistling through her own saggy breasts when she ever went for a walk. They had a secret bet with themselves that Giordana didn't exist.
Gordon needed to get out of Dodge and he headed for the Mancave Community tent to regroup and rethink his next move. As soon as he got there some in the mancave waddled their way over to him and asked where Giordana was and when she was arriving. Around 50 pairs of eyes were listening in the background but pretending not to. A bead of sweat appeared over his brow. Gordon was in too deep now. He should have stuck to writing about dull men's problems than creating Giordana for the sweet sweet nectar of Hive Power. The bro crowd were narrowing in on him swiftly and it wasn't long before they pounced. All of a sudden he heard something. In a dark corner under the stairs in some kind of cupboard.

"Psssst: Gordon , over here."
He looked under the dark stairs and there they were .

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The Shadowhunters Community. Boy was he glad to see them. Paler than most with beards. His kind of people and he was delighted to see that they were at Hivefest albeit in a dark cupboard under a stairs.
"Thank god for that."

Gordon joined his forever friends in the darkness of the shadows away from the limelight.
"Did you, by any chance, make up a beautiful woman alt account and got in over your head?" asked fat Jim with the gimpy leg.
Gordon was taken by surprise.
How did they know?

"Ammmmmm ahhhh ammmmmm."
He bowed his head and said finally after a pause said "yes".

"OK a mob is gathering and we need to get you out of here."

The ladies of Hive are onto you and the Bro Community are going to kill someone unless their precious Giordana who makes them all feel manly about themselves turns up pronto.

"Us Shadowhunters are made for these situations."
"It is why we set the group up."

"We were all once alt account stunners. Jim with the gimpy leg was Elastic Pussy."
"Martha in the mobility scooter over there was Fanny McGee."
"And Black Kevin over there was Misty Rodgers." This was never about Hivefest. This was always a rescue mission! Your rescur mission."

Gordon was shocked but happy with what he was hearing.
"We need to get you out of Split." "Now stick to the shadows so things don't get ugly."

A couple of risky shadow into light leaps had to be made to get out of the building in one piece. Jim's gimpy leg came alive and his jumpy from shadow to shadow was ballerina like, Equivalent to the Fremens dance through the desert in the film Dune. The Shadowhunters had a waiting black Sedan to whick Gordon to the airport. While in the car, Jim with the gimpy leg got Gordon to transfer Giordana's funds to HBI with Gordon as a sponsoree. He then asked for the keys in which Gordon handed over reluctantly.
"THE KEYS GORDON!!"
"WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME." Gordon handed over a piece of crumbled up paper in which Jim with the gimpy leg started eating with haste.
"FASTER driver FASTER." The Valueplan rally car is gaining on us. STEP ON IT!!".
Jim with the gimpy leg then got Gordon to delete Giordana's account. There should be no trace of this. Ever you hear. EVER!!! The car burst through an air field iron gate in which a G5 private jet was waiting on the tarmac. The Shadow Hunters had funds . This was serious stuff.
PILOTS
YES SIR
TAKE GORDON BACK TO THE UK STRAIGHT AWAY. Form a flight plan to his closest airport. He is leaving as soon as possible.
YES SIR.
Gordon boarded the G5 private jet with so many questions. But now was not the time to ask them. The Shadow Hunters were hero's.
By 8pm he was back home taking the washing in. He pinched himself. Was this all a dream. He sat down and did a post about the price of vegetables now compared to the 1980's documenting the annual price increase of a cabbage and pressed publish. Within 5 minutes there was a bubble from HBI. $1.50 was the upvote. Gordon smiled and laughed. The sun started to set and a shadow moved through the room. It stopped exactly halfway down his body and it dawned on him right there. Gordon was now a Shadowhunter. [Queue Superhero music]

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That freakin' story is hilarious!!!
Tip for the day: stay outta the shadows hahahahaha!!!
Dan is right, your doo is extremely 70s!!!
Us elders would know!
Good job on the story Blanchy!

Thanks @jamerussell.ive never meant a James without an s . How come we've never crossed paths before? My people will be in contact with your people for a Collab.

Thanks @jamerussell ive never meant a James without an s . How come we've never crossed paths before? My people will be in contact with your people for a Collab.

Hahahahaha, my name is James; in a nutshell, when I first started computers (first time in my life) was 2010, I got a gmail account and they said my name was not available, so I removed the "s" and now I kind of like it like that!
Besides, I'm a James without a lot of things hahahaha!!!
We've never crossed paths because my people leave me in the woodwork, they are ashamed of me and hide me hahahahahaha!!!
I cannot tell a lie: I did NOT chop down that cherry tree hahahahahaha!!!

Well its great to see you out of the woodwork Jame with an s. I was looking at your name and thinking I was reading it wrong. I even reached for the glasses. . Such an act of heroism in my Jame , is more worth than a thousand trees.😃

You should see the amount of times accounts send my email to the wrong address hahahaha!!!
Nonetheless, it's my extreme pleasure to meet you Blanchy!

Oh no! I've been outed. Where did that bliddy Gordon get those photos of me? I've been incognito around here for years posing as an aul wan.

if you looked like her, I'd be that putting in an order for a gimpy looking chicken fairly lively . 😄

An absolute gem, as always. I'm going to pester Elon Musk right now about making this into a movie.

for some reason that guy never responds to me. I'm not sure what I have done to him.

Cut him a little slack, he has Asberger's syndrome.

sure wouldn't the Asbpergers make him more likely to respond. The bastard.

I feel reassured to know that it is not possible to delete an account on Hive and therefore that Giordana will still be able to attend HiveFest! After all, she still has 19 tickets left.

Foiled Again by @arcange untitled.gif

Hahahahahahahaha... with this story i even forgive you your profile picture. Hahahahaha!
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Thanks Dan. The chicks love my profile picture. It's the hair.

Hahahahaha... so seventies. 😬

This was a super enterraining, funny read! Good stuff.

Wahahahahahah! Aye, Gordon is Lucylin! Remember him, he started off as a woman, lol.

Good old Shadowhunters, they will have your head for this, outing their superheroishness!!

I'm staying in the sun this weekend for fear of a ninja attack in the shadows. Yeah hahah Lucylin. I knew him alright after numerous arguments around the earth being round and the antartic being a alien colony and all that. . Pain in the arse conspiracy theorist who pops up anytime his name is mentioned isn't that right Lucylin 😃.

That's the man/woman!!

You stay in the light for defo, don't go near the dark!!

Them hunters will get ya. untitled.gif

Gordon spent more time chatting to people as Giordana than himself. .

🤣 That got me there. I was like, hold on... I guess being extroverted hot chick do really pay well, that's why long time ago someone started off as female 😂

I'm half tempted to pretend I'm a 70's icon myself. 😀