Back In Time
Again, I hear my name. Again… my mind traveled back to present. “I’m sorry, I understood that today was about meeting, setting the agenda, and discussing what we had for expectations? I hadn’t thought there would be back and forth. What was it you were saying again?” This last directed at my wife.
I said, ‘WHAT do you mean, I’ve given up hope for a partner in the bedroom?’” Of course she would attack… not allow any perception of any wrong doing. I looked to our counselor, and said in a quiet calm voice, “should I answer her?” Clearly, again, being a bit of a jerk.
“I think it’s ok to clarify some things before we finish today, if that works?”
“OK, then” to the counselor, as I took a deep breath. More for a pause to gather my emotions and master them, before lashing, and now, continuing to my wife, “We’ve had little contact, physically, in 10 or 15 years. Maybe a few times holding hands, and maybe a kiss, or two tops. I do admit, in the middle of the night, when I come to bed, to reaching over and touching your hip each night. That’s my sex life, a simple touch on your hip, with you asleep, for 15 years. So, to clarify, I have given up any thought of sex with you, ever again. I have given up any though of intimacy, with you, ever again.” I held her gaze, for a good 30 seconds before she looked down and away.
If we are going to go through this exercise, then, I am planning on being open. Not holding back because it may make her uncomfortable. I fully expect, that out of her mouth, will come some very uncomfortable options and true faults of my own. I believe most have been pointed out by one or another friend of mine over the years. But again, my wife and I? Queen and King of not communicating with each other, over the vast distance that has grown between us. The divide in our marriage grows more, each year.
A few more questions from the counselor, towards my wife, and some easier answers from me. And the counselor turned to me, and asked, if I had any questions or needed clarification from my wife.
I paused, again, to think… together my emotions. Master them. Marshall them. And added, “no. nothing.” I retreated again, to that blank state. Outward? Blank. Passive, and calm. Inward? Turmoil, and my mind going a million miles an hour.
“Ok, then, you have homework as I mentioned in the emails before we met, and again, when we first began. This week will set the foundation for how we finish. Your homework, is the write down 10 things. 5 things that you want to change about your relationship. And 5 things that you enjoy, and find comfort in, for your relationship."
And there it was, I must spend the week, making a list, to work on my illusion of a marriage. And then, 9 more sessions of talking and 9 more sessions of homework, on my illusion of my marriage. At the end, we either would be moving forward, progress, or, that deep dark answer, to “what do you want?” That is buried in a deep distant place inside me. How odd, that, as I think of the deep distant answer, it is only then, that a smile barely perceptible, shows, on today’s blank face.
Tuesday 20th December
between 4 am UTC and 23h59 UTC