It only feels like yesterday when I was struggling with two personalities: Who I was and Who I wanted to be. The constant darkness I was in was not only gross but extremely painful.
No matter how distant these memories feel, they are still a part of my becoming. These hurts and confusion were major propellers to me deciding who I wanted to be. There is just something about being chained to the wall that makes you look forward to being free from it and when that happens there is a hunger to never go back.
No one can deny that my past is also me and I am also my past, but at the same time, my past is written off and I am a new man - I am not judged based on my past.
Flashbacks by INNA
Even in my past, I yearned for a past that is now far beyond my reach. I operated in a realm of total dissociation (not medically, more emotionally) and always felt the need to inflict pain just to be sure that I was still human.
My impulsive behavior always left me mentally exhausted in the end but it was a thrill I never wanted to end even if I paid for it. I had enough of the crash ad burns I got from people dear to me that unconsciously, I began doing it to myself so that they would not get the opportunity to do it to me. Maybe I even enjoyed being the victim?
Still, the distance between I and my memories is so small, like a thin line. Some days, I hear her beckoning me to her arms. That embrace of warm defeat and total obliviousness, it was comforting but also possessed the razor sharp claws and fangs that tore me open; spilling my insides.
Creep by RadioHead
I liked being the creep. The one people whispered about or couldn't come close to. I loved being isolated with my thoughts and a book. I liked how much Music healed me until I got to comprehend, for the first time after the gates of my depraved mind opened, that isn't what I wanted.
I have always been a selfish person. I always looked for means to sate my primal hunger. It was either I went to the demons or they came to me.
I erected a wall about two years ago, they were made of bricks and tar. Slowly, I began replacing them with iron and brass because of the persistence and destructive ability of those demons.
In The End by Linkin Park
At some point, they evolved; merging into a massive beast that roared with rancor, despite it's ugliness and darkness, she was still a part of me. Locking her out felt like loosing my identity but it had to be done. I needed to do it to become who I wanted.
I kept building, mentally, physically and spiritually. I could hear her constant pounds and growls. There are days I wouldn't be able to take it. I'd break down, pushing the door wide open to let her in. But when I finally regained my senses, I'd force her out. I kept using her and no doubt she was using me. We were both toxic.
I needed it to stop. I was in a race against time and so I kept building. Forgiving myself and having the faith that despite it now, I would find who I wanted to be.
As the days passed by, my strength increased and so did that of my forte. Soon, I could no longer hear her and I do wonder if she is still out there. I still graze those walls, leaning in to listen; to catch a wisp of her painful moans. Nothing!
One night, perhaps after being quiet for so long, she pounded again. She made a hole with her fist in my wall. I remember being afraid than I was thrilled. She'd gotten stronger.
I risked a peep through the fist sized hole and terror seized me. I did not want to go back to that. I saw a glimpse of my past, the dark clouds rushing at me and made my decision. So I covered the hole with concrete and cement, shutting her out forever.
But sometimes, I can still hear her moans, deep inside me, within me because she is a part of me. She is so close and yet so distant!
This is my response to the #dreem-wotw in collaboration with the #ttt by @ablaze.
Image from Pexels and edited with Canva Pro
