911... What is your emergency?
Dad... I can't sleep. I need a glass of water.
When I was their age, I would never dream of waking my parents up in the middle of the night to ask for a glass of water. I was basically afraid of my dad and knew that he wouldn't do it anyway. It didn't take me long to realize that if I wanted something done then I would have to do it myself.
At ten years old, I was up at 4:30 AM folding papers to deliver around the neighborhood. Every month I would collect the newspaper fees door to door. It sounds kind of difficult for a ten year old, but I loved the tips I got. When I was 14, I was carrying golf bags as a caddy around the golf course and when I was 16 I went into a landscaping business with my brother.
The world was full of opportunities and I reached out and grabbed them. I would love to see my kids take the same initiative and work hard to get something. I'd love if they were interested in programming or blogging or creating, but honestly they are pretty content with just knowing how download games from Google Play.
Depending on Dad Dilemma
They don't worry about anything because they know that their dad will back them up. I am really glad they can come to me to ask me for anything. They trust me and believe that I can help them in any situation big or small. I didn't have that relationship with my own parents. If I wanted something I would go out and get it. My kids know that if they want or need something they just need to ask me. They tell me what happens at school and problems with their friends and even with girls. They open up and they ask me about my day. They want to be with me. Sometimes too much. When I am tired they will wake me up and just start talking because they are bored. This has left me with a dilemma.
I want them to trust me and know that I will provide everything for them, but at the same time I want them to learn to be independent and do things by themselves. It doesn't help that their mom insists on doing everything for them. My son said that he wants to cut his fingernails. I tossed him the nail clipper and a piece of paper to catch the clippings and said,
"go for it."
He did a pretty good job, but in the middle his mom said,
"Come here. I want to do it for you."
That was a self defeating plan, but she couldn't just sit back and watch him cut his nails by himself. She had to do it for him. he can't do it perfectly, but he will never learn if he has no chance to make mistakes. The same thing goes for cooking and cleaning and just about anything else including relationships with girls. If you just give them some space to fail then they will do the right thing.
When the boys woke up this morning they came at me with questions...
What time is it?
What's the weather today?
What should I wear?
Where are my pants?
What's for breakfast?
It's Monday morning. We had a good weekend, but we are all tired. I put the cereal and milk on the table and said,
"I'm late. I have to go."
Their day at school in Korea is a lot different from the days of school I had in Chicago in 1985. My kids face bilingual and multicultural problems. The math in Korea is a lot more advanced than the math taught in the states. No matter how much they study and even with tutors it is difficult to even follow along with the rest of the class. They get a lot of stress and it is difficult to make friends for them. They don't need any extra stress thinking about how to make money or how to get a part time job. They need to be free to realize that their dad does have their back, but they need to start taking a little responsibility for themselves.
Little by little I've pretended not to hear them when they ask, "Where's my tooth brush"? And they have begun to understand what it means and if they ask me I tell them, "It's time for you to learn to do things by yourself."
Maybe if it was up to their mom they would still be in a kangaroo pouch until they are 18, but what are we going to do then? The kids can't just suddenly change into responsible adults. We need to trust them with daily tasks that they can do themselves at their own level.
They have depended on me for a long time, but for their own sake they need to start to take responsibility for themselves. It will take some work, but we will have to make an environment where they can learn to do basic tasks for themselves besides studying and playing computer games and watching videos.
The task of providing for children to become independent may be the most difficult challenge in parenting. It seems like it should happen naturally with age, but when I look around at some adults I don't think they ever got it. I have met my own limitations many times. Sometimes I was lacking sleep or I blew my temper or I totally gave the wrong advice. The kids really depend on me, but I really can't help them much. When it comes down to it I realize I met my limit and I turn to my father in heaven. Without God's help no matter what I do for them I still face many limits and I am likely to explode.
The challenge
I came to Korea decades ago planing to stay a year and discover myself before going to medical school. I ended up staying in Korea and never going to medical school. My friends from college became doctors and professors but I became an elementary school English teacher in Seoul. Teachers are happy to work with me and the kids are always excited and joyful but the department of education has been nasty by decreasing benefits and not raising the salary in 20 years. I'd like some freedom and a little space of my own, but until I teach my kids to be independent I don't think that will be possible.
I have to start with small things like teaching them how to take care of their clothes and wash the dishes. I need to help my wife see that these things are good for them. Maybe after some practice she will see that the kids like it and are actually good at it. And she will also find some space for herself too.
I took a walk in the foreigner's cemetery over the weekend and found an interesting grave marker from Oliver Avison. He was the one who established the Severance hospital in Seoul. He along with Dr. Allan asked permission from the king to build the first Western medical center. Yet it the hospital was named after the steel tycoon Louis H, Severance because he was the one who sent the money for the hospital.
It's interesting to see where things start and how they kept going. In many cases it is one generation after another. The kids see not so much what their parents say but what their parents do. They are influenced not so much by the ideas of the parents, but the actual actions and life of both the mom and dad. I never felt like I lost anything by not going to Medical college. In fact I'm glad that I never went. I think I have a special gift for teaching and my children will one day recognize that they also have a special gift and one day get their act together enough to use it. In the meantime I have to be a good influence to them, at least to pick up my socks.
Yangwajin - foreigner's cemetery Seoul
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