I was going through some of Jordan Peterson's quotes to re-enforce or expand an idea I had for a post and I stumbled upon another that captured deeply how I feel currently. The quote goes like this:
In my opinion (because I am unwilling to dig up stats to support my opinion) coming to terms with the reality of life and ourselves is the worst possible emotional stimulation one can experience. It is completely soul-crushing and there are very few people who are willing to accept reality for what it is. They would rather wiggle between the past or future, finding a safe space to loath or dream.
I am currently watching a series, 'Better Call Saul' (because of my obsession with the cartel. Probably because I need to remind myself never to have anything to do with drugs and drug dealers). So basically the series is about an ex-con turn lawyer, who is caught in a life he can barely escape. The harder he tries, the more he hurts the people he loves, and deep down he knows this truth, but he cannot help self-sabotaging.
I find the character Saul Goodman quite relatable because I identify with his struggle and humanity. I could say I am a version of Saul Goodman in the sense that I am often self-sabotaging but I am reluctant to give in to my flaws or even circumstances beyond my control.
However, unlike Saul Goodman, I have stopped seeing the value in my intentions. I do not see any value in wanting to be good but end up doing the very opposite. It means nothing to me to have good intentions. I can understand other people's supposed good intentions but not mine, mainly because I have the luxury of interpreting things how I want to (perception). However, when it comes to the universe, perception is useless, and with people, (in most cases) how they respond to me is beyond my control.
So when I am suffering (emotionally) I do not find excuses. I internalise everything and shut everyone out. I drown in my own guilt and shame (for as long as I can), and then I find my way out. I find this to be an effective way of dealing with things. First of all, I am not projecting my worries to the world, and when it comes to finding solutions to my problem I search from within, because if I caused it--the problem-- then I can change it (hopefully).
There is redemption for everyone. I believe with every challenge there is a solution, and sometimes the solution isn’t to eliminate the problem but to be present with it and through it find closure or any semblance of peace. Dancing in the fire.